Uncategorized 15 Feb 2007 02:58 pm
How I tell a joke
I tell jokes the way some people sing: very rarely, very quietly, and only when I’ve been coaxed. Because this is me telling a joke:
So this frog walks into an office, I mean, a doctor’s office, no, not doctor, I mean, the one where there’s all the money, you know. Bank. A frog walks into the bank office and he says,”I want a loan” and the bank guy says, “What for?” and the frog doesn’t say anything because I forget that part of the joke. So the bank guy says, “What kind of collateral you got?” and the frog pulls out a small white wooden horse — he’s Kermit Hauser! Hah hah hah… never mind. Oh, hell with it. The end is, “It’s a knick-knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan.” Did I not say the guy’s name was Patrick Black? Oh well. What jokes do you know?
on 15 Feb 2007 at 4:37 pm 1.Karen said …
“Kermit Hauser.” Giggle.
I think I like your jokes.
on 15 Feb 2007 at 4:46 pm 2.Joy said …
My only joke:
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrupting c–” “MOOO!”
on 15 Feb 2007 at 5:13 pm 3.Karlos said …
And some people only tell jokes in the shower!
My new favorite:
Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff —
BUH DUM PSSHHHHH
(funnier in person)
on 15 Feb 2007 at 7:11 pm 4.Anonymous said …
The only joke I’ve told recently is old and cobwebby, but I like it anyway. The limerick form makes it easy to remember…
There was a young lady named Tuck
who had the most terrible luck.
She went out in a punt
and fell over the front
and was bit in the leg by a duck.
on 15 Feb 2007 at 7:12 pm 5.surlyben said …
That was me forgetting to fill out the form…
on 15 Feb 2007 at 7:47 pm 6.Mia said …
A rabbit walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks: “Got any carrots?”
The bartender looks at him a bit oddly and says, “No.”
The rabbit leaves.
The next day, the same rabbit comes into the same bar, goes up to the bartender and asks, “Got any carrots?”
Again the bartender says no and the rabbit leaves.
Next day, same rabbit, same bar, same bartender. The rabbit asks, “Got any carrots?”
The bartender is now visibly annoyed. “Look! This is a bar! Not a produce department! We do not have any carrots! The next time you come in here and ask me that, I’m nailing your ears to the bar!”
The rabbit leaves … in a hurry.
The next day the rabbit comes in to the bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender says no.
Rabbit says, “Got any carrots?”
on 15 Feb 2007 at 7:51 pm 7.Miz_hatbox said …
This guy walks into a bar…and it really hurt! You’d think he would have gone around it.
on 15 Feb 2007 at 11:47 pm 8.Ted said …
http://community.livejournal.com/puns/242595.html
on 15 Feb 2007 at 11:56 pm 9.jeffbadge said …
Many of my favorite jokes entail anthropormorphic animals. Also right up there are pedophilia and clowns. Yes, together. Focusing just on the first:
An old, blue-blooded woman is walking past a pet store. It’s a warm day, the door is open, and a parrot sits idly outside near the door. The bird watches carefully as the lady hobbles by then whispers, “Psst.”
The woman stops and looks around. “Hey, lady.”
Realizing now that the bird is addressing her, she turns to him. “Oh my, you can talk. How charming.”
“Yeah, I can talk. I gotta tell you something. You’re fucking ugly.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh yeah, you heard me. Capital U, Grandma. You probably scare horses and children; you’d make a train take a dirt road. I’d rather piss on my own balls than see you in the raw.”
The lady, stunned, promptly takes a complaint to the shop’s owner reminding him of her influence in the community and demanding he deal with the insolent creature.
A couple days later, the old lady’s path again passes in front of the pet shop. The bird is there, sitting out front; his owner’s displeasure has obviously been visited upon the animal. His leg is wrapped, his eye is patched, and what feathers remain are ruffled in all directions.
As the woman starts to pass, her nose firmly skyward, the bird holds his tongue. However, when she’s directly in front, he can’t resist. “Psst. Hey, lady.”
The old woman straightens herself and turns defiantly to the powerless creature. “Yes?” she challenges, a small smirk creeping across her lips.
“You know.”
on 16 Feb 2007 at 10:20 am 10.jesse said …
What’s brown and lives in an attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
on 16 Feb 2007 at 11:02 am 11.Karen said …
So this is the joke I generally tell when prevailed upon to tell a joke:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out camping. Holmes turns to Watson and asks, “Watson, what do you see?”
“Why, I see the stars, Holmes.”
“And what does that mean to you, Watson?”
“Mean, Holmes? Well, I suppose, philosophically it means that there are great wonders in Creation, and that God is great and generous to have shown them to us. Epistemologically it means that the universe is vaster than we can possibly imagine. Meteorologically it means that we shall have a fine day tomorrow … why? What does it mean to you, Holmes?”
“That somebody stole our tent.”
on 16 Feb 2007 at 11:50 am 12.Ted said …
You know, you should learn the Pink Ping Pong Ball joke. Because no matter how poorly or how well you tell it, no one’s going to laugh.
on 18 Feb 2007 at 6:01 am 13.Devon said …
Here’s one that nobody else but me likes.
What did the rat say when he saw a bat?
“Look! an angel!”
on 18 Feb 2007 at 6:15 am 14.Devon said …
Oh, one more.
A woman comes home breathless from work and tells her husband “Pack your suitcase! I won the lottery today!”
Her husband’s eyes grow big with excitement. “Wow! Where are we going?!”
“I don’t care where you go — just get out.”
on 30 May 2008 at 12:56 pm 15.lemons rock said …
why did homer simpson cross the road?
he heard there was chicken on the other side.